i love accidental penises.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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