So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
