I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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