Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
