I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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