Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
