I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
