I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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