Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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