Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
