only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
