Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
