I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
