I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
