I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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