if i can run in heels then i can drive
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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