Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
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