Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
