i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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