can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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