Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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