Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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