this boner is exhausting
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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