can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
