are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
