He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Just puked most of my soul out..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
