totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
