I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
