the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
