well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
