i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
