i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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