If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
