My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
