when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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