Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
