He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
