I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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