my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
