I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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