Duck Duck Cougar?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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