I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
