don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
