I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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