the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
is wine microwaveable?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
