Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm always down for nudity.
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