I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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