Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
a search helicopter?!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
