you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
