Bisexual people are plain selfish.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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