its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
