just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
