Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
