Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
