I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
