i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
being pregnant is like rehab
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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