I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
