I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
